We here at PipesandCigars.com deal with thousands of products every day. As I think about all the items that pass through here, I have one recurring thought – “Why didn’t I invent (fill in a product name here)? I’d be rich by now.” So, I’m going to let you know about some of the ideas that I have for new products so I can be the next billionaire. I expect that you’ll be able to buy most of these new items from us soon.
Pipe Smoker’s Camouflage
Are you tired of hearing the griping from your significant other about the constantly growing collection of burn holes in your clothing? Does it drive you crazy to get snapped at every time a new hole shows up? Those days are over with Pipe Smoker’s Camouflage. For $19.95 you get a package of 100 very realistic simulated burn holes printed on top-quality, self-adhesive Egyptian cotton. When you buy new clothes, just put a handful of these appliqués on a shirt, slacks or jacket, and then smoke away. When you actually do burn your clothing, just peel off one of the fake burn holes, and no one will ever know what happened since the number of holes will remain the same. Of course, you’ll get a heap of crap the first time you are seen with all the fake burns, but it’s better to hear it once than over and over again.
Super Puffer Utility Belts
Be a smoking superhero with a Super Puffer Utility Belt. Choose from the cigar or pipe versions, and be the envy of your friends. Similar to Batman’s famous belt, these useful and stylish accessories have individual pockets for all your paraphernalia.
The cigar version has a shock and water resistant travel humidor that holds 20 cigars (the Diamond Deluxe Herf version holds 40) and individual compartments for a cutter, punch, torch lighter, cedar spills (for indoors), a portable ashtray, air freshener, breath mints, a flask and two shotglasses (because you never want to drink alone) and sunglasses and a fake moustache for those times when you want to light up in a park and don’t want to be identified as a filthy cigar smoker.
The pipe model has accommodations for 8 pipes, 4 tobaccos, matches and a lighter, tamper, reamer, polishing cloth, stem polish, pipe cleaners, filters, a windcap, a package of Pipe Smoker’s Camouflage (see how the products sell off each other?) and a slot for your AARP card.
Both models are available in black, brown or khaki.
The Personal Billboard
It seems like you can’t enjoy a pipe or cigar out in the wide open spaces without someone approaching (and reproaching) you with some snide comment. The problem is that these brief encounters happen so quickly that you don’t have enough time to take the cigar or pipe out of your mouth so you can reply with an amazingly sarcastic witticism. We have the solution- the Personal Billboard. Combining a high-quality 100% cotton, stain-resistant t-shirt with a flexible flat-panel LCD display that covers the chest and is connected to a programmable microprocessor that will rotate your favorite messages, such as: “You can have my robusto when you pry it from my cold, dead hands”, “I wish you smoked a pipe so you’d shut up once in a while”, “If I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you”, “You’re the reason we can’t have nice things” and “If you don’t like the smell of my cigar (or pipe), stop breathing” among many others. Do not machine wash, batteries not included.
My last invention is similar to the Personal Billboard, but is a bit more intimate. A pack of these business card sized handouts have pertinent phrases printed on them to hand out to rude anti-smokers so you don’t actually have to speak to them. Some of the messages- “I didn’t realize that my pipe/cigar smelled bad. I couldn’t smell it over your cologne”, “How can your breath be that foul without a cigar?”, and my personal favorite, “I may be a pipe/cigar smoker, but I can let it go out. You, however, can’t stop ugly”.
My new products should be available sometime later this year. If they do as well as I expect, it will be very easy to identify me. I’ll be the guy with a duffle bag full of cash running away from a group of torch-carrying anti-smokers.
(Editor’s note: Russ does not really condone being rude or mean to anti-smokers, even if they’ve been rude or mean, first.)